Elvis Little Soaks

An intriguing piece of dream-like dialogue remembered by Elvis Little...

30 August 1994

"Have you seen B-----'s new iguana? She borrowed somebody's iguana so she can get her's mated."

"I heard about it; haven't seen it yet, though. I'm not sure I'd want to be a witness to that party."

"Well, if it's anything like cats and dogs, she may wish she hadn't done it. Cats get kind of aloof and mean afterwards. Their personality changes."

"Post coitum omni animale triste."

"What's that?"

"`After sex, all animals are sad...'"


"Is the water hot?"

"Yeah, especially if your feet are cold from the deck."

"Oh wow!"

"What is it, C-----?"

"Those are the coolest underwear! Are those bananas?"

"Yep."

"Oh, those are so cool! Are they cotton?"

"Nope; silk."

"Oh wow. D-----, come here and feel Elvis's boxers!"


"I've never been privy to women talking about men so candidly. This is neat. I've gotta ask where I stand, though. Am I `harmless,' `safe,' `oozing,' or `dangerous.'"

"You're harmless."

"I dunno. I think he's safe."

"Somewhere between harmless and safe, probably."


"D-----, your face is all red."

"Oh, that's probably from me and F----- in the tub. We were sort of fooling around and we didn't want Dad to know so I was holding my breath."

"Nice hickey."

"Oh, that's from this morning. I didn't know it showed. Oops."

"Oh yeah, I remember, woke me up just in time for work."

"Are we really that loud?"

"One day I was over at the folks and my mom came up to me and pointed to my neck and said, `oh my god, how did you get that bruise?'"

"Oh no."

"And I just tried to shrug it off, you know, `oh, it's just a bruise,' but she wouldn't stop fretting about it. Finally I said, `it's a hickey, Mom, leave it alone.' She was so embarassed."

"Oh no!"

"Wait -- it gets worse. Then she says, `well Elvis, tell me about her. What's her name?' And I say, `uh, G----- [a man's name -- Ed.].'"

"Oh, man, a double-whammy!"


"It sounds like he's just telling you that he's uncomfortable about it. I can sympathize with that. I kind of squick when I think about my ex sleeping with someone else, and we've been broken up for a year and I've slept with a few people since then myself. It's just human nature, I guess. I mean, it's one thing to lock on the chastity belt; it's another to just confess to being jealous."

"Well the way he initiated it was to say, `Can I ask you a favor? Could you not sleep with anyone else when I'm not around?' and I'm all, `B-----, we discussed this!' I know it's just because he's not getting any and he knows that I am. He doesn't mind me sleeping with other guys when he's in town; it kind of turns him on."

"Oh. Well, that's a little more severe."

"The thing is, I don't want to hurt him."

"But you don't want to resent him either."

"Yeah."

"But it worked out okay in the end, right? You set him straight. He's cool about it."

"Yeah, but I'm still worried about how he feels about the whole thing."


"Do you like being called 'El' or Elvis?"

"Elvis. When I was in elementary school I made the switch deliberately. I thought `Elvis' sounded more friendly."

"Some people don't mind. I asked H-----, and he doesn't care whether you call him H---- or H-----."

"That's weird. He usually has such strong opinions. Does he like `J----- H-----?'"

"Hates it."

"Oh. I had no idea."


"Are you tired of living? Young Dragon is known for his fighting prowess!"

"Chik-a-chik-a-chaaah!"

"No. Not the double-kick of death!"

"You bitch. Your last day's come."

"Double-Whirlwind, you shall be my dumb acolyte, as usual."


"So, do you want me to take you home, or do you want to come to the mOOn?"

"I don't care; either one."

"Okay, let's just go to the m00n."


"This is so weird."

"What is it?"

"There's no way I can say anything without just telling you everything."

"Well, I've got time."

"No it's not that. I mean if I said one sentence that would give everything away."

"And..."

"Well, you know that H----- & I are sleeping with each other, right?"

"No kidding? No, I really had no idea. I mean you're very affectionate but like brother and sister. The way you argue it's like a brother-sister thing and not at all like a lover's spat. Besides, J----- H----- seems, well, sort of asexual. How long has this been going on?"

"He's very private about that part of him. Pretty much all summer."

"Well, you had me fooled."

"It's strange, because I swore I'd never sleep with a virgin again."

"Looking for more experience?"

"No, it's not that. I mean, H----- doesn't have experience, but he's very... well... He lasts about an hour and a half. He doesn't seem to know that's unusual. I read somewhere that the average sex in America lasts something like two and a half minutes..."

"Jeez."

"Yeah. But anyway, it's not that. It's just that I had sex with a virgin once and, well, he seemed really mature but he wasn't sexually very mature, obviously, and it got kind of awkward..."

"Like if you're around the nest when the eggs hatch, the chicks follow you around like you're mommy?"

"Exactly."


"I want to do it on acid some time `cause I get so excited all over, it's like a big pre-orgasm all over my body."

"I tried once or twice. It doesn't do much for me. It's nice playing with each others' bodies and stuff, but the sex part is just kind of difficult. You're feeling so much and your brain is buzzing so much that sex hardly even registers. All you can have is an anti-climax."

"I still want to try it."

"Absolutely. I'm sure it's different for everyone. Now marijuana, on the other hand. Marijuana is great with sex... Oh, so you've already found that out. Is that how you learned that lung-bong trick?"

"Uh huh."

"That was neat. I was surprised at how much smoke was left when we passed it back to H-----. That was cool."


"I think I'm gonna crash. Do you need a ride home?"

"Do you have to get up early for work?"

"Yeah. I can give you a ride on the way, or you can catch a ride with someone tomorrow, or you can just walk. Or I can take you home tonight."

"Where can I sleep?"

"Well, there's the mattress out here, or the couch is comfy, or I've got a king bed..."

"A king bed? Luxury! Let me see."


"What do you think that piece of carpet is out there for?"

"Oh my god."

"He goes out there to listen to his walkman and get stoned, and..."

"Oh my god. You tell me he's out in his back yard in his favorite chair, smoking a bowl and listening to his favorite tunes and you're giving him a blow job? I'm never going to listen to him complain about anything ever again. H-----, babe, that's as good as it gets. If you don't like it, hurry back for your refund."


"We've talked about threesomes. He wants me and my sister, but I don't think she'd go for that, and besides, my sister and I are close, but not that close. I brought up B-----..."

"What'd he say?"

"He didn't like it. Thought B----- might be jealous and it might just get more awkward."

"I can see that."

"Your name came up."

"No kidding? What was the verdict?"

"He said he could probably go for that."


"I've gotta ask. If we're going to sit in bed all night and talk about sex and compare silk underwear... do you wanna fool around?"

"I'm sort of, I dunno... Those are really cool boxers; you're driving me crazy!"

"What's the conflict, here? I don't understand."


"There are three things I need to tell you. One is I'm very self- conscious..."

"Does that mean I should give you the complements you deserve, or I shouldn't?"

"I don't know. Just be aware of it and use your best judgement. Two, I'm not very good at initiating things. Just thought you should know. What's the third thing? Another thing is that I get distracted really easily. What's the third thing?"

"That was the third thing."

"No, that was just something extra."

"Fear, suprise, ruthless efficiency? An almost fanatical devotion to the pope?"

"What was it?"


"I love your body. You have the greatest body."

"I had nothing to do with it."

"You can't be blamed, huh?"

"Nope, blame my parents."

"What's their number?"

"What, you're going to call them up?"

"Hello, I'd just like to express my sincere admiration. Your daughter has a wonderful body."

"Oh god."

"Oh, and did I tell you about the blow jobs she gives? Out of this world! You should be very proud of her."

"Thank you. It takes practice."

"You ought to give lessons. You'd be doing a great service to the world. Could you give me lessons?"

"Sure. It's hard to do it for a long time because you really have to concentrate and it's hard to keep your lips curled over your teeth in the back."


"It's okay."

"How so?"

"The doctors say I'd have to have an operation if I wanted to have children."


"Wait, ooh, just a second, ah, I've got to, oh, sorry, you're gonna have to, oh, ah, hold on, ah, I've just got to, oooh. Aaaaahhhhhnnnnnnn."

"Oh god."

"I have a problem, I come really quickly after the first time."

"That's a problem?"


"I don't think I'm gonna last an hour and a half."

"God, I hope not..."


"It totally turns me on to see a guy touch himself; it's like a fetish thing."

"Hmmm..."

"Wait, I'll clean you off. This is fun..."

"Uh oh... Oh dear... YOING!"

"A little too sensitive now?"

"A little..."


"They say women are supposed to get really upset when the man rolls over and falls asleep afterward, but what else are you supposed to do? I always feel like sleeping. You're exhausted. I say if you don't feel like collapsing afterwards you did something wrong."

"I wonder how late it is. Must be around 3:30. I'm gonna be hating life at work tomorrow."

"I get to sleep in."

"Well, G----- was telling me the other night that you only really need about three hours of sleep per night, all the rest is gravy. He's sleeping from midnight to four every night and taking a half-hour nap in the afternoon."

"Don't take that too seriously, I think he naps a lot more than that."


"Do you think H----- is gonna have a problem about this?"

"I don't know. I hope not. He might. He's going to have to get used to it. When B----- comes back I'm not going to have enough energy for both of them."


"No, I've been pretty good sleep-wise. I think when C----- knocks on my door in the afternoon and I don't answer it's because I'm entertaining Rosie Palm and her five sisters."