The contents of this site were typed by an infinite amount of monkeys.

 Site Index - 
            /youknow/ - Machine Drum - "Now you Know"
            /prefuse73/ - Prefuse 73 - "Vocal Studies + Uprock Narratives
            /wotan/ - Wotan - "Is Watching"
            /SAW8592/ - Aphex Twin - Selected Ambient Works 85-92
            /doomsday/ - MF Doom - Doomsday
            /pics/ - pics from Big Bend nat'l park


01-05-02 - Heh. Well, after that aforementioned period of sobriety ended in mid-February, I slowly got more and more into dr00gz, drinking rather heavily with my neighbor across the street who introduced me to a guy I'll refer to as Big O, who had a hookup w/ a KiloKonnection d00d. Kilos of, get this, high-grade, refined Persian opium. Hanging out with him a lot, I got into pills again, even having a scrape with an old friend, clonazepam. God, I dont remember that entire week. Then, get this, I found a dude who sold vials of KETAMINE. Needless to say, I cracked out HARD on that, got to shootin' it up IV every day, got arrested in Wharton County, Texas while trying to watch some damn meteor showers, and am now facing charges of MJ posession & Controlled Substance possession. My parents bailed me out on the condition of me going to rehab.

I figured I'd be dickin' around, playing it off legit but not really changing myself, however, spending 45 days at Starlite Recovery Center fundamentally changed me, man. Now I'm going to NA meetings, trying to work the 12-step program to my own understanding, am entering into a spiritual relationship with the Higher Power of my understanding: the Great Magnet. It's pretty cool, and I'm slowly trudging the Road of Happy Destiny. I feel like I was put here for a good reason: to help out all species on the planet Earth. So I'm gonna work for a few months to pay off my legal costs and go to skewl in fall 2002 to study environmental biology & ecology. In the meantime, I put a site index up, check out all the dope albums, folx who may be reading this.

Till next time, peace out.

01-28-01 - Wotan Is Watching.

01-23-01 - Well, we've been working on an album/demo tape.. It'll be here pretty soon after it's finished, of course. It's got experimental noise, jazz, laid back instrumental jams, some vocal tracks (I sleep with roaches!!), and covers (mainly for the purpose of demonstrating sk1llz). So, anticipate intense trauma. Oh yeah.. I've managed to be sober for 7 weeks now. I must admit things are improving a little recently, so that's good. If only I could quit smoking tardbacco now..

01-03-01 - Here are a jam I did with my bassist friend. Aztec Symbol Synchronicity
,bR> 12-17-00 - Ah, I got my damn 4-track to work again.. more shitty music for yr listening displeasure:
The Omniscient Frog, Pt. 2
I.R.Playing Sum Jazz (not my song, but I liked it anyway)
Suicide Song (heh)
Other than that I'm as crapital as ever, only s0ber. And of my own volition this time.

11-18-00 - Heh. Man, the shit that's gone down in the last month. Without going into specifics let's just say things get worse, and keep on getting worse. If I even survive this stage of my life I imagine things have to improve somewhere down the line, else I'm gonna be one bitter old man.

10-15-00 - I've decided to drop out of college. Already moved back home.. it should be pretty chill living here. I may get a job for money and do acid when the stasis gets overwhelming or something. I had a kinda frightening binge on opiates before I left school, was shooting oxycodone 40s.. gonna stay away from that indeed.

09-25-00 - OK. I decided this site is coming back. It will probably be a while before I get back into my groove, however.

OK, I'm going to try to detail all the shit that's happened to me since I last updated in May. The summarized version.. On may 25th I attempted suicide by tossing a bottle of vodka and a handful of klonopins. A good friend of mine who I shall not name (you know who you are) called the emergency service on my ass. They found me passed out on my couch with a blood alcohol content of 1.2% (legally drunk is 0.08, and death occurs at 0.5). I woke up in the hospital really pissed off to be alive, was discharged to a mental hospital after recovering. Spent about a week there. At first my parents were making shit tough for me. I had to keep my door open 24/7, spend time with my family and all kindsa fukt shit. And of course I was very very sober.

That lasted until late June, when I went to Denmark with my family. Denmark was an experience of its own, one which I should transcribe in detail eventually. I smoked weed again in Denmark and started gradually returning to my former ways of drug use when I got back. Saw Ween in concert on July 8th. Ever since around that time I have been sinking to greater and greater depths of slackitude. I am currently going to the University of St. Thomas (in Houston). I am pretty much failing like a motherfucker, as I find it really difficult to give a fuck.

Let's see, what else.. Since that fateful day in May, I have done many more drugs. I have popped valiums, vicodins, I've done acid, I've gotten drunk, I smoke weed every day. Last weekend I mainlined oxycodone (yes, it was a clean needle) and the weekend before that I touched the one drug I vowed I would never do again, X. That was an entirely fucked up situation I will go into shortly. But anyway, I don't know why I suddenly feel the urge to announce my Bachaanalian excesses to the world. Perhaps to stay honest to myself.

So, X. I layed a good portion of the blame for my depression on MDMA, and vowed not to do it ever again, or at least for a long time. Then there's this girl right. Friend of mine. Who's like, really special and stuff. I think she's awesome. Anyway. We get the idea to do X together one day. This made me ecstatic like a motherfucker, as X was always love in a pill for me, so I figured things would go real smooth and I'd have a girlfriend, thus filling a great void in my life. Alas, things went about exactly the opposite as I had been hoping for.

I'm not going to really go into more details than I have to, since there was someone other than myself involved in this incident, so I'll make it brief. My X didn't kick in for about 2 hours; my ego was desperately holding on due to the tenseness of the situation. When it did kick in, I came to a very sudden realization that I had had all my hopes in life stacked on this girl. I realized that I just simply did not have any chances whatsoever at being anything more than friends. Subjectively I experienced this as a profound and all-encompassing sense of loss, sadness, and despair. I felt as if the last tiny shard of hope within my being had been smashed into a thousand pieces.

Then I felt the artificial X happiness seep through me, and I managed to hang on for the rest of the day. I was still pretty shaken by this minor psychological breakdown. We went our seperate ways that afternoon (it was morning when we ate the X), and for the rest of friday and all day Saturday and Sunday I had violent, whipsaw-like mood swings, combined with acute panic attacks and anxiety. It was hella fun yo. Admirably, however, I managed to not hit up any benzodiazepines (I had found a bunch of them in my desperate panicky state). Instead of taking klonopins, I called my Jungian psychotherapist and worked through my panic and anxiety. So I think all in all some good came of the experience. However, I am even more bitter and disenchanted about love than I was before all this.

I decided it would be in my best interests to abandon trying to search for meaning through romantic love, as it leads to nothing but suffering 99.9% of the time. And drugs.. I'm growing more and more disenchanted with drugs too. All I trust anymore is the power of my own unconscious to provide internal meaning, as there is none to the collective hallucination that is reality. So all I really care about pursuing now is inner work. Um.. that about wraps it up I think. I apologize for the speed-like incoherence and rambling of this much-delayed update.

05-17-00 - guh. Mid-week shittiness.

There was this laughable article on Ecstasy in the paper today. It was reporting the findings of a study that proved "light" use of X causes cognitive impairment. Their definition of 'light' was once a weekend. Light? That's pretty heavy usage, IMO. Also, they said Ecstasy was a 'hybrid of the hallucinogen mescaline and the stimulant amphetamine MDMA.' WTF? Somehow I distrust a study that doesn't even know what drug they're studying.

05-14-00 - Hmm. That mushroom trip seems to have been a lot more insightful in the long term than I thought it was at the time. Mainly, I actually have some sorta plan for what I wanan do with the next few months. Just endure the next (and last) few weeks of school however I can, then when summer comes around, start workin and makin some cash. There's always insane amounts of acid going around in the summertime, so I figure I'll break up the monotony with tiny squares of paper. Yum!

When the mushroom told me not to do acid a couple of weeks ago, I think it just meant in the short term. It was right, too; I came by some last week, and if I'd have done it the result probably would have been bad.

05-13-00 - Check out this wacko.

2g mushrooms last night. Trip went.. well, it went alright, but wasn't very strong at all. Still, I got some satisfying insights. I got the same internal monologues, though to a lesser extent. At this level though it was really hard to distinguish between The Other and myself. I don't think it was a profound enough experience to warrant an entire trip report, though I had some wacky moments with nitrous. Got really st0ned and did a series of whippits two at a time. That was fucking incredible. Divine Moments of Truth mang.

05-11-00 - Man, life's been pretty crapital lately. Feels like life is something to be endured rather than enjoyed. I'm beginning to really wonder if MDMA broke my brain. We really don't know what extent MDMA neurotoxicity exists in humans. It could be harmless, or it could be quite a b0rkogen. Anecdotal evidence I've heard points either way and to everything in between.

So, confronted with all this, I think it would be prudent to seek out the guidance of something far, far wiser than myself: The Mushroom. More later.

05-06-00 - ~35 mg of 2C-T-7.

Thinking about changing the layout of this site. It'd be a gruesome undertaking for someone as lazy as myself, but I don't think my current one is suited to the direction I want to take this site in. someday. shrug.

05-04-00 - Mang. Herb is so much nicer when I only smoke it once a day. I thought I was all back to my normal depressive mindset mid-week, then I cut back on toking some, and once again noticed an increased ability to really analyze shit, instead of just assuming things to be true and drowning in a sea of helplessness and self-pity. Hooray for psilocybin!

05-01-00 - Here I am at the Lycaeum. Fitting host, I think.

3 days after my mushroom trip, I feel.. back to normal, as in, no longer in the Psychedelic Afterglow. However, there is a very real change. Noticed it today at school. It's like I'm actually using my mind to solve my problems now, instead of just lamenting them. This feels very, very real, though. I'd chance to say permanent. We'll see.

04-29-00 - I lied again!

04-28-00 - So I lied.

04-12-00 - Alright. I'm fucking sick of this site, so I am officially declaring its status to be dead. Blah blah, blah, blah blah blah. If you have questions or want to inflate my ego, email i.r.



rbarchas@sprynet.com
Thanks to the Lycaeum for hosting site of i.r.