Let’s make it official. I’m seeking your support in
running for President of the United States. Starting
from this simple point in cyberspace, we can create an
idea virus that could ultimately give expression to
the complete and utter disgust that so many of us feel
with the crop of candidates being offered to us by the
corporate sponsors.
The basic idea of this campaign is to MOCK THE VOTE!
Now, The Revolution has an updated platform, it’s now 20 points. It’s a great platform for developing a political organization around. But I’m
not running on the platform. I’m running on my name,
R.U. Sirius. It’s just that simple. I’m affording
every American who thinks that this Presidential
horserace is a fucking joke, no matter what their
politics might be, the opportunity to say R.U. Sirius.
Let me spell it out for you. George Bush? John
McCain? Al Gore? Patrick Buchanan? Are you
serious?!!! (You know, it’s amazing how many people
don’t get it until I spell it out. But I’m no elitist.
Even if you’re witless, you should still express your
alienation from the corporate sponsored candidates by
writing my name in or casting your ballot for me.)
It’s just that simple. In the last presidential race,
approximately 60% of the people didn’t bother. 89% of
the newly eligible voters didn’t bother. 89%!!! When
the campaigning started this year, the political
pundits were the only ones even paying attention to
it. When asked, the "man on the street" would express
an avid DISinterest. It seemed like R.U. Sirius was a
shoe-in, the statement everybody was ready to make.
Then along came Fightin’ John McCain. Is this
desperation or what? John McCain, a racist, right
wing, authoritarian militarist… Oh boy, he’s honest!
Wow. He’ll be honestly bombing even more countries
than hippie Bill Clinton. He’ll be honestly taking
away choice from women. Oh boy! He’s never seen a
Pentagon budget increase he didn’t like. He’s never
NEVER voted for any environmental protection. But he’s
honest… He’s a drug warrior who’s supported every
single assault on the constitution that war has
produced. He’s a Republican Senator who has the same
corporate donors that the other candidates do… Ths is
our rebel boy Angry Johnie?
Anyway, the basic statement I want to make with this
campaign is… WE’RE NUTS!!! We have pre-school kids
on speed… which is what Ritalin is… and we have
hundreds of thousands of adults in prison for
marijuana, a substance so mild and benevolent that it
makes Starbucks look like crack pushers. We’ve got a
legless and armless woman in jail for
possessing marijuana for pain relief! We’ve got the
media going Elian Gonzales Elian Gonzales Elian
Gonzales and meanwhile we’ve imprisoned this woman,
not to mention all the Haitian refugees still living
behind barbed wire.
We’re FUCKED! And we’re STUPID! What a dumb fuckin’
country! You know, presidential candidates are all
supposed to go around muttering all this crap about
the great wisdom of the American people, and how this
is the greatest country in the world… GREATEST
COUNTRY IN THE WORLD?!!! Hasn’t anybody in this
country ever traveled to Europe?!! They don’t have 2
million people in prison in Europe, between all of the
countries put together! Kids in Europe watch Oliver
Stone flicks and don’t feel the sudden need to commit
mass murder (except maybe against Oliver Stone). They
have nudity and sexually explicit material on TV and
their teenagers don’t all get pregnant! My gawd. How
do they do that? Well, they educate their kids. And
their parents aren’t a bunch of bug-eating Jesus nuts.
Their schools aren’t caving in while a few hundred of
their young adults make billions off of a pyramid
scheme masquerading as a "new economy."
So we’ve got kids on government speed, and one million
drug prisoners, and the confiscation of property
without a trial, and we’re searching people’s urine.
We accept the fact that they’re searching people’s
urine. *China* doesn’t even fucking search people’s
urine. Corporate CEO’s walk among us who search their
employees urine. Their companies put commercials on
television that associate their products with
rebellion and freedom and individuality, and they’re
searching their employees urine. And we don’t drag
them out into the public square and pelt them with
eggs. Why not!!? What a bunch of contented fucking
sheep we are. People in the future will laugh at us
for what we were willing to countenance
Of course, all the major candidates are so gung ho for
the death penalty that they don’t want to leave any
room open for NOT executing those on death row,
despite the recent revelations that some eighty people
on death row have been proved innocent. Which means,
given the percentages -- do the math -- we’ve been
executing a number of innocent people. Which is what
this is supposed to be all about. We’re taking a
strong stance against the murderers of innocent
people, and if we have to murder some innocent people
in so doing, so be it. The inescapable conclusion
though, is that all these major candidates, all of
whom are effective and powerful in their support of an
unmitigated, hurry-up-and-kill-‘em death penalty, and
none of whom support a moratorium on the death penalty
until we have the checks and balances like DNA testing
in place.. the inescapable conclusion is that they
MUST ALL COMMIT SUICIDE RIGHT NOW in accordance with
their position… because they’ve been killing innocent
people, and they’re going to keep on doing it so they
have to commit suicide forthwith. I mean, I’m not even
THAT MUCH against the death penalty for, say,
well-convicted mass murderers… but you get my point.
Anyway, here’s an opportunity for you to ask the other
candidates the only meaningful question you could
possibly ask them: ARE YOOOOO SERIOUS!!!???? Now you
could vote for Ralph Nader or for Harry Browne of the
Libertarians, and either one of them would be a better
choice than bore or gush or mccain.
Let’s talk about Nader for a minute, because I’m in
favor of using the government to protect consumers. In
fact, while I’m generally opposed to the punishment
orientation of our current culture, where someone
always has to be jailed or sued whenever anything goes
bad, I would like to see some of these people in the
insurance industry, and the credit card industry, and
the airlines… I’d like to see some people do time for
consumer abuse. And I want a law that if you have a
business of a certain size, you have to have a phone
number where you can EASILY locate a living human
being, and you can’t leave a customer on hold for more
than five minutes when doing so. Hide behind an 800
number… go to jail! But even though I’d be a virtual
Robespierre when it comes to punishing consumer abuse,
I wouldn’t write lots of laws. And Nader, I’m afraid,
would overindulge in legislation. There’d be an orgy
of regulation that would make Cuba look spontaneous by
comparison, because it’s one thing to believe in
organizing all life through the state, but when you
believe in that AND you’re way over-protective as
well, watch out. This is Ralph Nader talking about
kids, and violence in the media, and obviously
advocating censorship as a health benefit: "If there
was a child molester in the neighborhood, would it be
enough to tell parents to lock the doors?" Now, Hitler
wanted art to be wholesome because he believed in a
kind of spiritual purity that was vouchsafed to the
Aryan race, and Stalin wanted art to be wholesome
because it would encourage the workers to build a
glorious industrial future. But Nader just doesn’t
want you to consume anything that might be bad for
you. Big Mother.
At the other extreme, you’ve got Harry Browne of the
Libertarian party. I congratulate the Libertarians for
emphasizing ending the drug war in this campaign, but
to vote Libertarian you pretty much want to BE a
libertarian. You’ve got to believe that you can trust
the pharmaceutical industry without any regulation.
You’ve got to believe that the environment can be
protected by… I don’t KNOW what… lawsuits, I guess.
Maybe black magic. Ideologically pure Libertarianism
is nuts. In fact, what the Libertarians need to do is
get away from ideological purity and nominate me as
their candidate. Finally, these candidates are just
culturally WRONG. They’re bow tie daddies. Why are we
so convinced that we can’t win with a hip candidate?
Look at Jesse Ventura. America is a rebellious
country. There’s this tremendous reservoir of
disaffection. I mean, who’s watching South Park? Who’s
buying all the Rage Against the Machine CDs? Where do
all those kids with nose-rings go to vote?… I mean,
seriously. Why are our voices silent? There are more
of us then there are Christian fundamentalists! Why
are we silent?!!
Anyway, I invite you to become involved in this
campaign. We’re going to try to get on the ballot in
24 states, states that require 5,000 or fewer
signatures to get you on the ballot. Those states are:
Alaska, Arkansas, Colorado, Connecticut, Washington
DC, Hawaii, Idaho, Iowa, Louisiana, Maine, Minnesota,
Mississippi, Montana, Nebraska, New Jersey, New
Hampshire, Nevada, Ohio, Rhode Island, Tennessee,
Utah, Vermont, Washington, and Wyoming.
We need some powerful media figures to stand up with
us for Victory Over Horseshit. Now, one of my
platforms is Tibet Can’t Wait. So where’s Stipe?
Where’s Stipe and Adam from the Beasties, and all
those Hollywood people? Because Gore ain’t gonna do
it, you know? And it may sound crazy, but R.U. Sirius
may be the only one who will raise these issues in
this campaign. We need these people to perform, speak
out, sign up voters… Why not?
And we need YOU! What will you do to get the word
out? What’s stopping you from printing up your own
one-pager and posting it around town? Hand it out at
the university. And if you can, do more. Get me
invited to speak. Get the local papers to cover
this campaign. Talk someone influential into
endorsing. You know what to do. Do it! Why not?
20 Point Party Platform for National Politics
THE SIRIUS SPEAKER BUREAU OF ONE
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