FOOLPROOF JOINT ROLLING METHOD #1

Use Rips or similar cigarette papers - very wide and on a roll - just
unroll the amount you need.

Next - you need one of those very fine split cane table mats - a bit like
those beach mat things but smaller and made of finer stuff.

Put the paper on the centre of the mat - gum facing up, on the side of the
mat furthest from you, add whatever quantities of dope/tobacco etc you
feel like in a nice line down the middle of the paper.

Now, take the mat in both hands with your thumbs toward you and your other
fingers away from you so that it creases in the middle and folds the paper
and smoking mix up. Now roll it back and forth between your thumbs and
fingers - you only need to move it about an inch or so each way. You will
find that the mat rolls the paper around the mix and into a perfect
cyclinder.

Next, move your thumbs down, and your fingers up slowly until the gummed
edge of the paper appears over the top of the mat. Lick it and roll your
thumbs up and fingers down so the wet gummed edge is drawn back into the
mat, keep rolling a bit further and it will be automatically stuck down to
finish the joint.

Then - open the mat, add a roach if you feel so inclined, twist or cut the
end, paint pretty pictures on it, or whatever you wish to do.

Finally, the tricky bit:

Take some sulfur, saltpeter and charcoal, grind it down gently to a fine
paste with some glue. Take a small stick of dry wood and dip the end into
this mixture. Leave this to dry thoroughly. When dry, scrape the end with
the hard paste against a rough surface. If you have got the mixture
correct, it will ignite and light the wood. You can use this to light your
perfect new joint with.

Congratulations - you just made a joint and a match.... Smoke the joint,
kick back and wait for CONSTRUCTION PROJECT #2 - The Foolproof Homemade
Atomic Fast Breeder Reactor.....

-- 
Hail Eris, Hail Pan

Epicene
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"If you should go skating, on the thin ice of modern life..." R.W.