Fungal Friends

Revelations about personal relationships

Substances: Psilocybe cubensis

i'd been thinking about doing a high (for me) dose of mushrooms for a while. the most cubensis i'd ever consumed was 3 grams. i'd heard 5 grams mentioned as an amount to maybe experience next-level effects, and i thought i'd try it. most of my friends had never done more than 3 grams either, but there was a difference: those friends consistently reported having blissful, clarity-filled experiences on 1 or 2 grams, whereas i'd had nothing but strange and unsatisfying trips except for the time i'd taken 3 grams. so i figured maybe i had a higher tolerance to this particular ally, and wanted to try a higher dose.

i asked one friend, "Y.", to trip with me, and another, "X.", to babysit. we were at X.'s place, which has a very warm, shroomy vibe. i'd been talking with X. about psychedelics the night before, and he said that for him, mushrooms were much more spiritual and clarifying than acid. i'd heard many similar things from people, but i'd rarely connected with the mushroom, whereas i'd had many profound experiences with LSD.

so Y. and i ate about 4.5 to 5 grams each. Y. made a fruit smoothie, i ate them straight. i'd fasted all day, too-- i wished to have nothing in my stomach but the cubensis so that they would absorb smoothly and quickly.

X. selected appropriate music while Y. and i lounged around, relaxing, waiting for the shrooms to kick in. as they began to take effect, we both got a little chilly/affectionate, and snuggled up together. it was very nice. X., meanwhile, just sat there, doing breathing exercises, relaxing. X. is very good at taking care of himself but i began to wonder if he wasn't a little bit bored. i also thought i saw him look at me resentfully a couple of times. X. and Y. are in a relationship, and i almost thought that he was resenting my snuggling with his girlfriend, but they have a very free relationship and i'm close enough with both of them to know that it's okay, so i discounted that possibility, wondering instead if maybe he resented being asked to babysit. but at that point i was too busy being snuggly and looking at trippy visuals to be concerned.

i was definitely shrooming harder than i'd ever shroomed before, though i don't think it was "next-level". Y., on the other hand, said she'd tripped harder on half the quantity of cubensis. she said she'd like to take more, and asked me to take more too so that our timeline would be roughly equal. she took two more medium-sized stems, and i took one.

i was at this point acting silly and having a great time. a few minutes after eating this additional stem, however, i suddenly dropped out of my state of euphoria. i was concerned about X. how did he feel? did he feel used? if he didn't want to babysit, why didn't he say so? i went out on the balcony by myself to think. i didn't come to any conclusions. i went back in, considering to ask X. to take a walk with me. i sat down next to X. and Y., and X. began caressing my face lovingly. hmm, i thought, maybe i shouldn't be concerned. a few minutes later i asked X., "do you feel taken for granted?"

"oh, no, not at all," he replied. "i'm the last thing you should be worrying about on this trip." this reassured me for about half a second. was there some sarcasm in his voice? i kept thinking that he was giving me dirty looks. i was not a happy camper. i was confused. i lay down and relaxed for a while. finally clarity began to dawn. i grabbed my journal and sat comfortably in a corner.

i began to write the thoughts that were unfolding in my head. clarity came slowly at first, then faster, 'til i couldn't write keep up with it. "X. and Y. are my caring and committed friends..." i wrote. i saw very clearly how i had been neglecting my friendships with both of them (as well as some others), spending too much of my time working on the renaissance of a close platonic friendship with my ex-fiancee. i saw with pain how they had been standing by my side, being there for me, helping me work through difficult personal issues, while i had been slacking in my contributions to the friendships. i saw how i had been conflict-avoiding, refusing to look problems in the eye or bring up potentially difficult issues with friends. i saw how i had been doing a much poorer job than i'd admitted to myself of living according to my values. in short, i understood why i'd been feeling so confused and dysfunctional in my personal relationships lately.

i also saw the enormous benefit in making some changes. although i've always thought X. and Y. were great people, i've never seen it more clearly. i recognized the necessity of real giving and openness in developing these friendships, and saw what amazing, transcendent relationships could be thus built-- and what a waste it would be to let these friendships stagnate by continuing not to contribute. i strongly felt my inner light, knew the vastness of my human potential, understood the necessity of integrity, work, giving, and friendship-building in manifesting that potential. thus solutions to much of my confusion were revealed to me. it all made so much sense.

X. and Y. were looking at me, curious, wondering what i was writing. they already looked happy, as if they knew that i was realizing important things. when i was done (well, not exactly done, but i didn't have the energy to write anymore), i asked if they wanted to see what i had written. X. asked "is that all right?" and i said "definitely." i went out on the balcony for some fresh air while they perused my notes. i was feeling the God within me, and he was me. i was ecstatic. i'd never connected with mushrooms like this before. i completely understood why X. considered them such valuable friends.

when i went back inside, i asked X. and Y. if my writings had been resonant. Y. said she couldn't read them, she was tripping (and i'd been tripping too, so my writing was messy). X. said yes, that i was "not alone in thinking some of those things" about myself. so he had been giving me dirty looks. or rather, he had, out of caring, helped plant the seed of clarity in my consciousness.

the rest of my comedown was spent enjoying the feeling of euphoria that my newfound clarity had brought, and talking and snuggling with X. and Y. i did some scribble-drawings which looked pretty interesting then but look mostly like scribbles now (a few interesting things, though). ate a bit, relaxed, finally went to bed, about 7.5 hours after ingestion.

that was an amazing dream. i've never had such a positive and productive dream of my fungal friends. i have a much-heightened love and respect for these dear allies.

Postscript (two months later): as it turns out, all of the weirdness from X. that i perceived was imaginary. he was not giving me any dirty looks, nor was he harboring any feelings of resentment towards me. the clarity that those fears prompted, however, was quite valid. these insights proved particularly relevant to another friendship that i hadn't thought much about during the trip. it seems mushrooms sometimes show me things in roundabout ways.