Ontological Meltdown

Frightening session

Substances: Ayahuasca, Peganum harmala, Mimosa hostilis

I never posted my trip report here; alas, it's taken months to even begin to assimilate it. Let's just say it was terror compounded on terror. My first bad trip. Bad is, of course, a mild euphemism for the unabated metaphysical horror of the sucking Void and the confrontation with Lord Yama himself in all his skull-garlanded, blood-drenched glory.

In my swaggering arrogance, I made the mistake of practicing the Tibetan Tantric method "Chod" while on this voyage. Chod is a practice wherein one offers one's body to that various demons in return for purification and various shamanic powers. It's no different from "standard" shamanic initiation in this sense: It allows one to conquer fear of death and master the various bardos. Sounds good and fine, theoretically. I mean, demons. Figments of the Mind. All projections of one's own consciousness, as the Tibetan Book of the Dead implies. So no problem, I figured. "Just remember that," I told myself, "and you're set."

Well, the demons were all too happy to oblige me in my experiment. I cannot begin to describe the hell-fury let loose, not thirty minutes after drinking the brew (20g M. hostilis + 3g P. harmala -- a dose I'd safely taken before).

The effects of being flayed over and over again, the devouring by rainbow-pirahnas down to the clean-picked bone over and over again, etc., etc., cannot be recounted adequately in this medium; the sheer power of the (very real) malevolent forces let loose defy description. The violent battling among the fierce, blood- thirsty "rashkashas" (demon in Sanskrit -- an onomatopoeic name, to be sure) over my soul and the rending of my mind and "body" was torture more terrible than I could have ever imagined.

I endured this nearly four hours. It was only the soothing of my companion and staring at the clock ("only three hours-twenty minutes till the brew wears off -- if I make it" and *whoosh* -- off into another eternity of torture and back again, two linear-time- minutes later) that helped me keep the most tenuous moorings in our 3D world of consensus reality and prevented me from drifting off into an ontological cul-de-sac "wherein there is no time [soon] in getting out." I kept reciting my name over and over to remind myself I had an identity in this world. And I tried my best to remember to BREATHE.

It was by the thinnest of threads I held on to breath -- the idea of breathing. There were moments I asked to be taken to the emergency room for a shot of Thorazine just to stop it all. Then I would regain my senses and realize the trauma of ambulances, bright lights, and white coats would be a very, very BAD idea at this point, and compound my situation infinitely.

I also had to keep taking showers. I took at least five showers, mosty to ground me, partly as an attempt to purify me and seal off the onrush of bad karma (in addition to reciting mantras).

Throughout the experience, it was all I could do to keep off the demons (at this point I'd long forgotten whatever noble ideals I had about this experiment and just wanted fucking OUT).

I also tried to remind myself to acquiesce totally to the situation; to become one with it was the answer and I'd be propelled out of this horrifying situation. But as hard as I tried this, it didn't work. I couldn't. The fear of death was too intense; I felt if I let go completely, I'd die. I still believe this now, regardless of what I've read from Grof's LSD psychotherapy and other accounts where people manage to squeeze through this knothole. There are also stories of people failing.

Finally, time ceased being the enemy and began becoming a friend. Nearly four hours after ingestion, I felt the first abatement. The ebb of forces was a relief, in the existential sense. But as I began to regain my senses, all sorts of weird poltergeist phenomena started happening in the room: rapping and crackling, etc. It was very frightening. At one point, a fat fly began buzzing around me in sync with my inner visions. I have gained a very interesting view of the power of Mind from this experience, which is beyond the scope of this account.

If I ever take ayahuasca again, it will be under the supervision of a genuine yage shaman -- if such a person still exists.